INDIFESO

You don’t need to take a person’s
Advice to make him feel good
– Just ask for it.
But I did!
I didn’t want to make you feel good.
I know you feel good
– About your family & friends – and not me.
I know blood has been spilled
And dust settled by tears:
My hands can’t see,
They’re deaf and innocent
To feel what sword they hold.
I know I could ne’er harbour a will
Which would dare to harm you.
Yet, I repent,
Ere half my days,
For you feel hurt.
My stoicism is all washed only to fear
To incur your displeasure.
I don’t even dare
To trouble your thoughts.
How could I trouble you?
Yet my guilty heart pleads forgiveness.
Please do forgive.
I can’t assure it’ll occur never again.
The many things I’ve learnt from you
Doesn’t comprise this,
But I kindled my courage, from your fire,
To stand erect and poise
Even with the sun on my palms.
With this diligence and faith
I once again request
Your kindness.
For it has been told
To please a noble and gentle soul
A thousand times as a bead of pearls
Even at the cost of your ...
I cannot write between the lines any more.
I’m a man and plain
Or a boy, if you so call.
I’d be delighted if you call, call me.

THREE SIDES OF A ROAD

Once again I’m in two minds!
I see myself staring at a long road
With my back at the winds,
The green wastes near the betrothed.

It’s a long and lonely one.
I can have a rear view.
I know what I’ve done,
Still I dire to scream, “Adieu! ”

The white Is bend, at far:
I cannot see farther than that.
“Would it be intelligent to be at War
For something you can’t even look at? ”

Now, on this side of the divide
I feel own-ness, I sense oneness
In face of the dark brown trees – Vide
And far they spread – Am part of this mess.

Just opposite and confronting me
Are small birds chirping in the green.
Its noon now in my territory
By crawling the salty barbs, at my back will be the crimson clean.

Mauled I collapse in the mid—to die.
It’s easier with no mind, to go.
Betrayed shoulders will follow death or a life of a lie.
I’ll sit until I’m swept by a strong wind blow!

BREAKING FREE

A friend of mine asked me
Why I was so?
I had no answer.
Yet I explained to him.
I was afraid of happiness & joys.
I feared those happy moments
Which precede the sad ones.
I avoided those wet lips
Which welcome moist brows.
I cursed a hum
To shallow my sob.
I was never happy nor lively
To the fullest of my heart.
I smiled – no giggles;
I hummed – no songs;
I tapped – no dance;
I listened – no speech.
I led a followed life.
I inhaled a sweating air.
I dreamt of me
-- With no dreams in.
I loved myself
-- With no love being.
I knew my future only
As an elongated present.
I knew my present only
As my past’s rudiments.

But now I feel!
No answers for ‘What?’
Yet I understand
I’m changing, for I’m feeling.
Now, I shall have friends
-- For merry, not mocks.
Now, I shall love to live
And like to die.
This Second is mine.
Next is His.
I’ve to be happy
To enjoy His bliss.
My heart is all full of blood.
It beats & I hear the notes.
My mind is weightless
It seems it floats.

A thought still occupies little space.
I’m helpless.
It comes to me back.
“These lines are short
And very restless.
Some long hours will bring some long lines.
I’m not waiting; you may know.
I’m breaking chains ring by ring.
The syllables are lost; you may note.

A LONG BEGINNING

I’ve opened my eyes once again!
What a beautiful dawn this is!
The sun’s still hid by some violet clouds of rain.
It was a violent night. But by His
Mercy Divine, on an eternal day, I’m resting here.
But where? It’s a quiz!

I’m standing on the same long road –
I’d always dreamed of – with my clock
And clothes and what I’d vowed.
I’ve to sweat and tear. I can’t ease my walks.
But while running, the nightingale soothes my heart.
And a gentle breeze tender-dries my locks.

I can see white darts rushing for the colours.
It’s good time with the thin gray road left far behind!

I just don’t realize the significance of significant events ..

Had penned this some years back..


"One thing, one of the most important things about me & my life, which I’ve come to know, today is that I’m not emotionally dead. This startling fact was revealed (read realized) by the painstaking method of careful examination of one’s own retrospect. Self-introspection is a great tool to rectify oneself but it works only when it is used too often; else it refrains from resuscitating the reticent. The sword of an executioner ensures a facile head-off. But that of a retinue may very possibly betray the beholder. I, therefore, prefer retrospection to introspection; the latter often invites procrastination. And the former’s caravan piques.

"I learned, a few days ago, about the sad demise of one of our family friends. He was an ASP, in the district of Darjeeling, but neither his nature nor his nurture complimented his police-service. He was a man, calm & kind, pious & honest, simple and modest. He loved his family & friends,. And we were all praise for him. He was lynched – he was fasting -- on duty. He had a service revolver, but his kindness and gentleness made him abstain from firing at the mob or even in the air. My father said, “lynching”. I could not understand. It took his narration of the whole tragedy to make me realize only what had occurred. But still, I couldn’t completely believe his words. Such a confrontation with such a human was unbelievable. And even today I haven’t been able t accept the very fact that his body has been laid to rest. His simmering face still lingers in my thoughts. I vividly see the noble & innocent expressions above his mantle. He is alive, very much alive. How can he be dead?

"I was shocked to hear the news, I was speechless, and went into oblivion. After some minutes, the tragic drama was comprehended but not yet accepted. It’ll take a good portion of my life, possibly the whole of it, to believe, accept & realize that a Man is dead.

"Here are some observations and inferences of retrospection. I didn’t shed a tear. My wild thoughts were busy with my friends. My sub-conscience was possessed with him & the last rites of which I was not a part of. And this continues till date.

"I don’t say that I’m a optimist who refers to a cyclone as a breeze. I can’t do so, because I don’t know, what a cyclone is, what its impacts are. I’m just indifferent to a cyclone or a breeze or a gale or a typhoon or a vacuum. I do not know, if it’s a quality or a flaw in my character. I just let things happen and then accept them –if I cannot do much—as the Almighty’ Will. My patient faith proclaims, “Whatever happens, happens for the good!”

"The ‘good’ may take few long moments to surface. But surely, it will surface.

HUMAN TRIUMPH

I’m faithful to you,
Yet I feel you are being betrayed!
I’m true to you,
Yet I feel you are being lied to!

I put into words, all my feelings,
But still remain many lines to be inked!
I hide nothing from you,
But still remain many thoughts to be disclosed!

We’ve been together for years;
A few moments, they may seem.
You may feel, you know me well.
But there’s a lot beneath the cream!

You are a person, innocent & mine
--Treating me as an Ideal.
It’s here where I look timid,
Afterall, for you, I’m only Idle.

I can’t dare to speak all.
It’s good! For, if everything’s said
And everything’s done,
With nothing else to do, we’ll be dead!